On Heat

I hate heat.

I am currently writing this from my room, the average temperature of which I estimate to be somewhere between surface-of-the-sun and Alyson Hannigan kelvin. Yes, the windows are open.
I am a warm person. I have been referred to as "The Human Radiator", a title which has shown considerable use during the winter. This naturally means that I do not do well in the summer. I tend to, well, melt. I'll be walking along the street and people will be going "Watch out, don't step in the James". Cars crash when I cross the road simply because my liquid form significantly lowers the coefficient of friction between their tyres and the road. Ok, I'm exaggerating. But my point still stands.

It would be like this, just 98% less ho...weird.

Christ's sake, this is meant to be England. We don't get hot weather. Americans come here specifically so they can coo at Buckingham Palace and be amused at the English weather. I work part time at the desk in an airport taxi company, and the main source of humour that seems to be shared with the passengers is "Welcome to England and it's lovely weather lolshittyirony". The people I work with are not that smart. If their primary source of banter is lost, what will they do? They can make jokes about how novel the warm weather is, but where's the irony in that? Irony, even of such polluted quality, makes these people feel smart, and without it, well, they resort to thinly-veiled-if-veiled-at-all racism, which they don't seem to understand is a bad thing, no matter how many meaningful glares I throw their way. In addition, if people are coming from abroad, they are missing out on a significant part of British culture, namely how fucking miserable it is.

He's an English prince you know.

Currently the only solution is to focus on other areas of traditional British culture, specifically quality beer and the inability to move without being watched by cameras. Seriously, I'm in the privacy of my own home right now and there is nothing watching me not doing anything illegal.

Now that's how to do irony.


In other news, I am going to make Saturday my update day. Maybe I'll be more inclined to post more if I actually have a schedule.

Be sure not to miss the post in half a years time when I complain about how fucking cold it is.

Slimegirl source: http://visublog.mechafetus.com/archives/185. Actually, looking at the rest of the site, I think I pretty much just linked you to porn.

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Re: On Jingosim

I was actually going to apologise for the last post. It was poorly written, brash, and really just pumped out in order to update for the sake of updating. It was pretty awful.

Then I finish my concert to hear about England's performance.

Oh. Dear.

Yeah, I'll admit, for all my harping on about how I don't tend to follow football closely, I omitted to mention that when I do, I can get fairly emotional about it myself. Like I said, it's cultish, and I get drawn right into it.

However, I am still detatched enough to be irritated at all the duality of English fandom. I went into the concert surrounded by people hooting and hollering about how great we are. While I dislike the lack of lealism, I was kind of impressed that we can engender such a strong sense of support.

I did my concert. It was really good, even if I say so myself. British cathedral music throughout the ages. Beautiful stuff. I meet my dad and he shows me the score. Its about 4 minutes to the end, so nothing much new is happening. I was mildly miffed, as previously indicated. But I walk outside and its a completely different scene. There was no shouting words of enthusiasm. Ok, we lost.

Well, we didn't lose, but we tied with the Americans. For most people that's going to count as a loss. But it's the first game guys! Don't fucking throw away all hope becuase of one game. I'm sure the Americans put up a good fight and are at this moment displaying their characteristic good humour. Where's our characteristic stiff upper lip?

In summary: Man. The Fuck. Up.

Look at the face. Everything is going to be alright guys. Everything is going to be alright.

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On Jingoism

I'm currently doing my hipster thing. Not intentionally you understand, I just have an hour to kill before I go sing in a concert and felt like killing it by having a small dinner in my favourite cafe. On my way here, I noticed something I have in fact noticed before. I'm fairly sure that everyone who doesn't live under a 15 tonne rock, conversing only with the moss and trees has noticed. Apparently today England play in the world cup against some moderately important country I've never heard of (yes, sarcasm). And Christ will people not let you forget it. On my way here I was barraged with flags, horns, more flags, and general good feeling. Horrible.

I'm being cruel, I know. There is absolutely no reason for me to not just ignore it and get on with my own business, aside from it being blared in my ear. But like I say, killing time, and it's this or waste an hour watching The Wire, so here we go.

Let me get one thing straight. I don't dislike football. At all. I even support a team, though doing so is more out of family loyalty that anything else (My dad supports them, my grandad supports them, etc etc). I just can't bring myself to support them to the extent that actual fans do. It's bizarre and strikes me as being decidedly cultish.

The World Cup though. That I understand. It's patriotism, innit. It's the love of one's country, and the desire for them to do well. Our country has it's myriad flaws, but fuck it, we're good at a sport, and we're going to beat the opposition into oblivion! Wait wait wait. Oblivion? I thought this was a game?

Maybe I'm being harsh. The kind of people who speak like that probably wouldn't know the word 'oblivion'.

But that's the attitude I get from these people. I can accept supporting your team. I can accept the buying into an obvious capitalist ploy to exploit such a stance in order to support your team with flags and little toys and plastic horns. What I don't get is when people act like it's a fucking war. When people get to incensed about their team winning or losing that they actually hurt people over it. When they go as guests into another country and fucking tear the place up. Proud of your country? You're a fucking embarrassment to it.

I suppose it doesn't help that this particular battle is against the USA. We've been majorly butthurt ever since they, you know, told us to fuck off. Though that particular argument kind of went out the window once they put God back into the equation. Separation of the church and state? Not anymore, fuckers. Ah, but they've had enough piss taken out of them by far funnier people than me. I'll leave them alone. As for Britain, well, maybe I'll make another post about them some time.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of either country and I apparently belong to one of them.

Still, it amuses me to see Americans trying to say that this match will be unpredictable because obviously we are going TO BEAT YOU US BASTARDS INTO THE FUCKING GROUND.

This is the worst post yet. May I sink no lower.

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On Apple

A long long time ago (read: less than half a year ago) I was, what the kind and understanding people on /wg/ would call a macfag. Yes, I was one of those people you see in coffee shops, shiny white rectangle on their laps, typing thoughtfully away on NeoOffice in the hopes that some passing hipsterchick would think I was writing a novel and be so totally moved by my obvious charm and sophistication that she would instantly want to start making out with me and- etc etc etc, point is that I was one of those people. It was not long before that however, that I was much much worse. Before that I was one of those people who worshipped Apple. I was, I struggle to admit, an Apple fanboy.

 As with most things, I'll be fucked if I can remember exactly when it started. I do remember that my first experience of a mac was an old G3 PowerMac one of the friendly looking green ones before Apple had an identity crisis and went totally brushed-steel-Orwellian. I didn't like it. The interface was irritating, and I wasn't about to learn an entirely new operating system when I had my mums laptop. Then the laptop broke.

And so, already a child of the Internet, I needed some method of feeding my NeoPets and generally sucking at Runescape (I know, I know. I was young). So I ventured forth into the world of OS X.3. And no, not 10.3. That's what the fucking "X" in OS X stands for. Anyway. I quickly found that my initial misgivings about the OS were mistaken. It took a little getting used to, but I learnt to live without the right click, to have the 'x' button on the wrong side of the window. It was the kind of brief disorientation you get when driving in Europe for the first time. I would imagine. I learned the ways of the Mac, and grew to love it. Eventually I found myself with OS X.4, G4 PowerMac, and the original iPod Mini. Then one Christmas, my parents got me my old faithful companion, my G3 MacBook.

This white box of comparative power marked the climax of my fanaticism. While I had 'converted' a few others, I was the one known as The Mac Guy. And I loved it. I was spreading the good word. Microsoft was evil, and Apple were the valiant good guys, struggling against an unjust foe.

This almost happened, more than a few times.

At this point I had the two original PowerMacs, long since out of date, but still chugging long when I needed them, a G5 iPod, aka the iPod Video, and of course my dear MacBook. It was around this time I was learning about the incredible brevity of 'current' technology. I was aware that my MacBook was quickly becoming out of date. OS X.6 was a while off but I could see the anticipation. Now, those who know me may have picked up that I am definitely one to mentally anthropomorphize my electronics. You yourself may have picked up on it with the adjectives  I've already used. I felt sorry for my Macbook, but still I yearned for the newer models. I just couldn't get them. I was a poor 6th form student. I didn't have a job and I certainly wouldn't ask my parents for the money, out of a mixture of pride and knowledge that thousands of pounds was way to much to be asking of my parents. So I sat, actually happy with my MacBook. It was slowing down but it still served me faithfully, like an old dog, to old to go running with you, but still content with the leisurely walk down the street, only occasionally falling into heartbreakingly amusing seizures that it just gets up and walks away from (The metaphor still makes sense to me, don't worry).

And so I learnt another lesson of technology. Yes it is always changing, always advancing, but that doesn't mean you -need- all the advances. Not just yet anyway. I also got my first inkling of Apple's true nature. You see, before the MacBook, money hadn't actually ever changed hands for our Macs. We had been given them through some means or another (legally, I hasten to add). When I first realised the 800 odd £ price tag of even the cheapest Macbook, I vowed to look after it, to draw from it the entirety of its monetary worth and more. When they just kept getting more expensive, I was confused. I reasoned, they're small, they need the money. But a niggling thought insisted but they're not small. The iPod has launched them back up into the ranks. So I had my first doubt. But I was stalwart. Microsoft was the fucking devil and I would not succumb.

Things didn't get better. By now the iPhone had been released, and Apple were fucking dominating. Yet Apple continued to disappoint. My MacBook broke and they were charging fucktonnes plus the cost of a new hard drive to repair it. News came of Apple not being entirely scrupulous with their business dealings, or some shit. Bullshit lawsuits and problems with apps and stuff.

Long story short, I lost my faith. I still loved my little MacBook but its parents were douches. I vowed not to get the overpriced iPhone and iTouch (Which I will continue to call it just to piss people off), and looked upon people who did with a vague superiority. Apple have lost it's old message, becoming a money grabbing, slightly dictatorial monster with a humourous mask. You know, to make it "User Friendly".

Then I just didn't care.

Earlier this year I got a new laptop. I cost me £500 odd and has better specs that the cheapest Mac laptop. I gave my MacBook to my sister since it only really functioned properly anymore for what she needed, email, Facebook etc etc. I couldn't just get rid of it. It served me well for 3 years, give or take. When she gives up on it I'll likely ask for it back. Not because I love Apple but because it did serve me well.

I'm writing this now from the new laptop. Windows 7. It is, as has been said, what Windows Vista was meant to be. Again it got a little getting used to. And it works. It does for me what my MacBook did, and better. Obviously it will, it's newer. But I've used OS X.6 and it's not much different. It's full of features that, if you're going to use them, are great. But I won't use any of them. I need better music creation software than GarageBand supplies. I don't need iMovie, I don't need iPhoto, because there are better alternatives out there. I still use iTunes, but have found very worthy substitutes in Foobar2000 and Songbird. Most of Apples own products assume that you are an Apple Fanatic simply because you own a Mac, and want to fork out the money for a .mac account. Windows is an operating system, while OS X is a constant advertisement for itself.

Both do what you want them to do. They just have different approaches. I've used both, and even dabbled in SuSe, Ubuntu, and Mint. For now, for simple sheer ease of use, Windows 7 has my vote, though I may try and Dual Boot it with a Linux OS at some point. But somewhere along the way Apple lost me. They became what I used them to avoid and drove me back to something that, as it turned out, wasn't as bad as they said.

It occurs to me that much of this sounds like a religious awakening. In fact, the process does ring slightly of my transition from hardcore Christianity to Atheism. That's part of the problem. Technological fanaticism becomes like a religion. The two sides see the other as misguided, even evil, and neither will back down. Apple has taken this and even started adapting it into it's employees. The first page of "Job Opportunities" has in bold "Part career, part revolution". Revolution? Excuse me, when did a fucking electronics company reach the ranks of Che Guevara? Just because the same kind of people who parade your overpriced tech around also sport those exploitative Che T-Shirts everywhere does not qualify you to call yourselves fucking revolutionaries.

It's hard to remain neutral. Believe me, I tried. But look at what I've got to work with. Again, I'm not saying Microsoft or any other software company are blameless.  Linux fans can be just as fanatical. But when an employee assessment questionnaire starts asking questions like:

you have to start asking questions yourself.

I shall try to conclude. I like computers. I like the Internet. Any method that allows me to use them I will have a soft spot for. I just think that while all computer companies realise this, Apple are even more exploitative than most. It's not a question of good versus evil. Its just a question of choosing the lesser evil.

 Or just go ahead and choose the ultimate evil. You know, for kicks.

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On Internet Fame

This must be the 5th blog I've started, and I say now, with a sort of cynical hope, an ironic optimism if you will, that I hope this one will survive my busy busy lifestyle of college work and procrastination.

The reasons the others failed are as varied as they are uninteresting. But I am going to try to recall them anyway for reasons that I will come to.

First, was my webcomic phase. I was young, in secondary school, middle school I believe. Year 10 or 11, or however that translates to those of you from America. Or Scotland, for that matter. I digress. I had often made little comics featuring whatever idealised self insert I could think of at the time. These ranged from Bob, a gravity-defying-haired surfing stickman with a talking cat, to Doctor Dameon, a psychiatrist with a House like attitude towards his patients (I would first watch House about 3 years later. Just saying). Both of these I created, as most other webcomic "artists" do, to become Internet Famous. I was just getting to grips with what the Internet was, and it was fascinating, the concept that I could upload pictures and people would praise me for it, because, to quote Yahtzee "You could wipe your ass on a page of Megaman sprites and there will still be someone on Comic Genesis who will tell you it's brilliant". These however fell victim to my increasingly growing impatience and need for originality. Once I realised I was ripping off Garfield, CAD, and whoever else, I let the sites fall.

Next was my reviewing. If you'll look around my account, you may notice that I'm not quite out of this phase yet, though given my last post in that particular blog, it's clearly well overdue. I may even delete it after this post. Let's see if I remember. Yet this is not where it began, oh no. Before EM was created, I was first jumping into the realm of website creation and design. From scratch. How hard can it be? I thought. So quickly I got myself a free .cc domain, a WordPress account, and got everything together. I made up a witty name, Tone Deaf music reviews, I put up reviews that no-one read and I was happy. Well, mildly amused at my own good self.

Then I became a dirty hipster.

Everyone uses Wordpress. Lets find a more obscure blogging platform. Sure it might be unstable but fuck if I won't be the coolest cat in town.

Long story short, a few site overhauls, lots of accidentally deleted content and a couple of extremely stupid months later it was all too much than I could be bothered with. I was making a shitty music review site that no-one read. This was far too much trouble. I wasn't committed, I wasn't going to update, I had exams and other projects, and a slowly dwindling social life to save.

This process happened about 2-3 times. Eventually I accidentally let the site go unchanged for a few months and the domain guys killed it off. Fair enough. I wasn't using it, so why let me take up the space?

Somewhere along the line I discovered 4chan, and so discovered /mu/, and so discovered music blogs like We Fucking Love Music. I decided that I wanted a piece of that particular pie again. But I would be smart. Yes, this would be a small operation, that I would only give to my friends. They would tell other people and they would tell other-yada yada yada. Once again I fell to the dreams of Internet Fame. I created Excess Music, and started posting my posts to Facebook. All was once again well. I had what amounted to a website, I guess, and I was "reviewing" music. And then I forgot about it and stopped updating. Then I remembered, but I was too busy. Then I remembered again but just couldn't be bothered. Other sites like it were getting shut down, and while mine was too small to really matter, I didn't fancy getting sued. Once again it just because too much trouble for what it was worth.

I'm sure I've forgotten small things, blogs started but ignored, forums joined but forgotten. Lots of small attempts to reach above the backwash of anonymity to grab a piece of the sacred Internet Famous cake.

So, some time passes and I think to myself "I need a blog". Just 'cause. No ulterior motive, just somewhere to put my thoughts. If other people want to read it, I welcome it, but primarily I just need somewhere that's mine.

And that's why, if you're still reading, I put you through the above. Maybe you found it interesting. Maybe it struck a chord with you, I don't know. I have no illusions that I am the only one with such experiences.

Even now you can see I am asking for some kind of readership. The quest for Internet Fame is a hard one to break. Anonymity is a blessing and a curse, and given the number of Facebook stalking cases you hear about, many clearly wish to be more than everyone else, be it through adding everyone you don't know on the social networking site of your choice or uploading videos of yourself being a complete twat on YouTube. And obviously I'm no different. The very creation of a blog instead of just writing a pen and paper journal is testament to that.

I don't want to be Internet Famous. That is what I will tell myself. I don't want to be Internet famous. Being Internet Famous is usually the result of being a complete fuckwad. To get famous on the Internet quick you have to make yourself a caricature. A screaming, attention whoring zoo animal, that people keep coming back to to see if you'll fling shit at the camera again. Or, god forbid, a meme.

True, some people make it without sacrificing their dignity. Plenty of people actually. And maybe one day I'll find myself wanting to become one of them again. And maybe I'll have the commitment to do so. For now though, I don't want to be Internet Famous.

That said, I'd settle for being Internet Liked.

And I'm still going to post this to my Twitter

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